Why do foolish things bother me? I mean really.
I'm not saying that the things that get under my skin are absurd and no one would understand why I get ruffled... but it seems as if there should come a point where maturity sets in and I learn to shake things off instead "needing" to let the world know "I'M BUGGED!"
Things like unexpected visitors and rearranged plans and dishes left undone and slowpokes. These are all things that make me want to sign up for a rugby team again so I can get some aggression out - yet they are also things that I also inflict on others at times. What is that? Why do we blow up at our mirror image? It confuses me...I would think I should be able to watch someone doing something i struggle to not do and say "oh yeah man, I do that sometimes too, i totally understand"! But instead it infuriates me. Weird.
I'm thinking as of late that I've been excusing myself for a long time for my behavior towards lots of things. Sometimes because others usually validate my reactions and reasons for being aggravated. Sometimes because "I am young and still learning". I do believe that I must have patience with the work God is doing in me. I can not expect deep rooted stuff to be uprooted and changed in a short amount of time. But being patient and lazy are not the same thing. I need to really look at what needs to change in my responses to people or to things like splashing bleach on my new black pants. Life is full of hard stuff and silly stuff and just plain unpredictable stuff. I must determine what works and what does not as far as equipping myself with the stuff needed to be the sincere and loving person I know I'm called to be.Practice, practice practice right?
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Conversion
Have you ever wondered why someone who has experienced a passionate life in Christ would turn back? I mean, one who has truly tasted a seen the mightiness of God, why would he allow his gaze to return to the emptiness of this world?
I suppose those of us who have really been in the trenches when it comes to fighting all the battles the Christian life entails may not wonder. We know how gruelling and heart wrenching this journey can be. The weakness and -for lack of a better word- STUPIDITY of our flesh is inevitable and not immune to the trappings laid out for us.
I've been thinking of this a lot lately.
As I observe people in my neighborhood or walking on the street, or I see the facebook photos some of my "friends" choose to post, I struggle to not judgmentally shake my head at what they portray of themselves. Then, moments later, I hear myself shout at one of my children or I do a double take at the ridiculous magazine headlines. How quickly and if not addressed, how often, I allow my mind and heart to be wooed by ugly things disguised attractively.
I am grateful for God's mercy and the grace to know that I need it daily. I am also grateful for a husband and friends who are not afraid to whoop my butt if I am indeed "gazing on the emptiness of this world" despite the grace available to me.
This morning I was flipping through a book called "Why Marriage Matters" by Glenn Stanton. I had bought it while taking a Marriage and Family course when I was single. (that amuses me now - my understanding of marriage then was oh so limited:))
There is a quote in the beginning of the book by French poet Charles Peguy that I was moved by:
Family Life is the most engaged life in the world.
There is only one adventurer in the world as can be seen very clearly in the modern world:
The father of a family.
Even the most desperate adventurers are nothing compared with him.
Everything in the modern world is organised against that fool, that imprudent, daring fool, against the man who is daring enough to have a wife and family, against the man who dares to found a family.
Everything is against him. Savagely organised against him."
This puts in perspective for me what we are called to. We are called to bravery. We are called to stand firm for what has value. Eternal value. If I give in to my weakness and into relativism and mediocre-ness, one less stands for those who need the mercy and joy of heaven.
Oh Lord, help me to remember its not all about me. Help me to really engage in the life you've given me.
There are at least five beings that depend on my faithfulness to You.
The "attractive" things simply are not worth the possibility of loosing their hearts at the hands of my loftiness and lukwarmness. Come Holy Spirit! Have mercy Sacred Heart of Jesus.
I suppose those of us who have really been in the trenches when it comes to fighting all the battles the Christian life entails may not wonder. We know how gruelling and heart wrenching this journey can be. The weakness and -for lack of a better word- STUPIDITY of our flesh is inevitable and not immune to the trappings laid out for us.
I've been thinking of this a lot lately.
As I observe people in my neighborhood or walking on the street, or I see the facebook photos some of my "friends" choose to post, I struggle to not judgmentally shake my head at what they portray of themselves. Then, moments later, I hear myself shout at one of my children or I do a double take at the ridiculous magazine headlines. How quickly and if not addressed, how often, I allow my mind and heart to be wooed by ugly things disguised attractively.
I am grateful for God's mercy and the grace to know that I need it daily. I am also grateful for a husband and friends who are not afraid to whoop my butt if I am indeed "gazing on the emptiness of this world" despite the grace available to me.
This morning I was flipping through a book called "Why Marriage Matters" by Glenn Stanton. I had bought it while taking a Marriage and Family course when I was single. (that amuses me now - my understanding of marriage then was oh so limited:))
There is a quote in the beginning of the book by French poet Charles Peguy that I was moved by:
Family Life is the most engaged life in the world.
There is only one adventurer in the world as can be seen very clearly in the modern world:
The father of a family.
Even the most desperate adventurers are nothing compared with him.
Everything in the modern world is organised against that fool, that imprudent, daring fool, against the man who is daring enough to have a wife and family, against the man who dares to found a family.
Everything is against him. Savagely organised against him."
This puts in perspective for me what we are called to. We are called to bravery. We are called to stand firm for what has value. Eternal value. If I give in to my weakness and into relativism and mediocre-ness, one less stands for those who need the mercy and joy of heaven.
Oh Lord, help me to remember its not all about me. Help me to really engage in the life you've given me.
There are at least five beings that depend on my faithfulness to You.
The "attractive" things simply are not worth the possibility of loosing their hearts at the hands of my loftiness and lukwarmness. Come Holy Spirit! Have mercy Sacred Heart of Jesus.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I like Sun
-29 weeks-Truly, there is nothing like leaving the confines of my house and getting a little sun kissed in the process.
I really do like spring/summer.
It is far to easy to complain about....whatever is not going my way.
I hear myself in this delightful season that I've longed for for MONTHS dissing the heat or the bugs or the possibility of mud or pebbles on my (hardly ever) clean floors.
BAH! I drive myself crazy.
Today, despite the slightly chilly breeze and fluffy clouds I filled the kids pool and brought them outside in long sleeves and shorts to play. I, of course, did not wear long sleeves...how in the world am I suppose to loose the powder white arms if I'm wearing sleeves?
I love hearing the squeals of joy from my dear ones as they delight in being allowed to splash and play.
I realised last week that it is VERY hard for me to let them pour water out of the pool and bring rocks into the pool and run through the pool and ....I just cant believe how worked up I get over such innocent fun. I got the pool out today in part to continue practicing "chilling out" for my kids. It wasn't smooth sailing the whole time, but, well, practicing being the operative word i guess.
I hope for more sun this week - although we need rain - so I can soak in the gold and practice being a "chilled Momma".
In other news - I offically love Pikes Place Coffee from Starbucks. I am currently experimenting to find the perfect amount for me to make and drink in the moring. If i drink too much I get high strung and heart burn (not to mention baby getting bouncy in my tummy). If I drink too little I crave more the rest for the day. I think the magic number is 3 6oz cups. we'll give it a few more days.
I really do like spring/summer.
It is far to easy to complain about....whatever is not going my way.
I hear myself in this delightful season that I've longed for for MONTHS dissing the heat or the bugs or the possibility of mud or pebbles on my (hardly ever) clean floors.
BAH! I drive myself crazy.
Today, despite the slightly chilly breeze and fluffy clouds I filled the kids pool and brought them outside in long sleeves and shorts to play. I, of course, did not wear long sleeves...how in the world am I suppose to loose the powder white arms if I'm wearing sleeves?
I love hearing the squeals of joy from my dear ones as they delight in being allowed to splash and play.
I realised last week that it is VERY hard for me to let them pour water out of the pool and bring rocks into the pool and run through the pool and ....I just cant believe how worked up I get over such innocent fun. I got the pool out today in part to continue practicing "chilling out" for my kids. It wasn't smooth sailing the whole time, but, well, practicing being the operative word i guess.
I hope for more sun this week - although we need rain - so I can soak in the gold and practice being a "chilled Momma".
In other news - I offically love Pikes Place Coffee from Starbucks. I am currently experimenting to find the perfect amount for me to make and drink in the moring. If i drink too much I get high strung and heart burn (not to mention baby getting bouncy in my tummy). If I drink too little I crave more the rest for the day. I think the magic number is 3 6oz cups. we'll give it a few more days.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Note to Self...
I've been thinking lately about things I really like to do or would like to do. This, my friends may sound like no big deal, but for someone who has gone blank every time someone has asked about her interests in the last 5-6 years - this is EXCITING!
I recently took a personality test and although nothing surprised me in the results I was struck that over 50% of my personality or just my reactions to things ride on how I feel or what chords are plucked within me.
I'm not saying this is a negative thing - although I sure plan on developing more skills to base my decisions on something more solid - but this helps me to understand why its such a challenge for me to grasp what gives me life or what helps me to flourish. Feelings and emotions, although vital, can be very fluid, hence making it fairly easy for me to adapt to my surroundings and fairly hard for me to hold onto what may have once offered me motivation and rest.
So, I'm going to use my blog as sort of a reminder. I will post various things that I come to realise I enjoy Maybe even things I look forward to, in the hopes that when I am feeling lost I can come here and have my memory jogged.
*I really enjoy the stories: "Les Miserable", the book and movie (old and new version)
"Little House on the Prairie"
"Anne of Green Gables"
"Little Women"
*I really enjoy good Asian food - I'm not well versed in it yet, but the cheap take out stuff does not cut it for me (Mai Villiage, Tea House)
* I can not go more than three days without spending time outside (Freezing or Scorching,doesn't matter) I do not consider myself an outdoorsy person, but I have experienced a dramatic change in my mood/spirit if I get out of the house a few times a week for some light exercises
*I love to dance. I cant do it well...at all...but it makes me smile and feel alive
* Laughter is vital to my survival. A day without a good chuckle is an incomplete day. I've spent a lot of time in recent years worrying and fretting and being serious. It seems I need to be reminded to laugh sometimes. My husband and kids (although they also bring out my W,F and S), Bill Cosby, Brian Regan, Kara Litzau are on my list of people to go to specifically to CHILL OUT.
I recently took a personality test and although nothing surprised me in the results I was struck that over 50% of my personality or just my reactions to things ride on how I feel or what chords are plucked within me.
I'm not saying this is a negative thing - although I sure plan on developing more skills to base my decisions on something more solid - but this helps me to understand why its such a challenge for me to grasp what gives me life or what helps me to flourish. Feelings and emotions, although vital, can be very fluid, hence making it fairly easy for me to adapt to my surroundings and fairly hard for me to hold onto what may have once offered me motivation and rest.
So, I'm going to use my blog as sort of a reminder. I will post various things that I come to realise I enjoy Maybe even things I look forward to, in the hopes that when I am feeling lost I can come here and have my memory jogged.
*I really enjoy the stories: "Les Miserable", the book and movie (old and new version)
"Little House on the Prairie"
"Anne of Green Gables"
"Little Women"
*I really enjoy good Asian food - I'm not well versed in it yet, but the cheap take out stuff does not cut it for me (Mai Villiage, Tea House)
* I can not go more than three days without spending time outside (Freezing or Scorching,doesn't matter) I do not consider myself an outdoorsy person, but I have experienced a dramatic change in my mood/spirit if I get out of the house a few times a week for some light exercises
*I love to dance. I cant do it well...at all...but it makes me smile and feel alive
* Laughter is vital to my survival. A day without a good chuckle is an incomplete day. I've spent a lot of time in recent years worrying and fretting and being serious. It seems I need to be reminded to laugh sometimes. My husband and kids (although they also bring out my W,F and S), Bill Cosby, Brian Regan, Kara Litzau are on my list of people to go to specifically to CHILL OUT.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Ahhh Sweet Sunshine!
Well friends, I think spring has arrived in Minnesota!
I don't doubt we may catch a few cold breezes within the next few weeks - but can I just tell you how wonderful the warmth and color popping up everywhere has been for my spirit?
I don't even care that my allergies are kicking in! Its just so great to be able to spend time outside with the kids and to turn the heat OFF!
I went in for an ultrasound yesterday. I'm 23 weeks pregnant today and baby must be getting stronger because this morning I'm feeling her move A LOT! (Yes, its a girl!!!) The ultrasound tech was amused at how she was stuffed into the top half of my uterus. She seemed to have no intention of surrendering her post so we could get a better picture of her. The tech said "I think she is cuddling with you!"
A few weeks ago we had had an ultrasound and it seemed likely that the baby was a girl but we couldn't be sure. I spent the last couple of weeks letting go of that little bit of disappointment that we wer'nt going to have another boy - yet. It was nice yesterday to watch our daughter scratch her head and wiggle her toes and just be delighted in her. No sadness-just joy.
Lately, God has been teaching me how to not rely so much on my emotions as a guide. I am no quick learner in this department. In fact, as much as I welcome this "tutorial" I've been having a hard time not being more emotional than usual about more things. I tend to react quickly and be dramatic in deciding how and when to reconcile. The most challenging part of this lesson it seems is that my emotions and ability to share them openly is actually a gift I'm supposed to share. It would be easier maybe if I was supposed to just stifle them or get rid of them (OK maybe not...) but to develop the wisdom of putting my gift in its place will be a life long process. Thank God I have the husband I do and the friends I do to help me find this wisdom.
I don't doubt we may catch a few cold breezes within the next few weeks - but can I just tell you how wonderful the warmth and color popping up everywhere has been for my spirit?
I don't even care that my allergies are kicking in! Its just so great to be able to spend time outside with the kids and to turn the heat OFF!
I went in for an ultrasound yesterday. I'm 23 weeks pregnant today and baby must be getting stronger because this morning I'm feeling her move A LOT! (Yes, its a girl!!!) The ultrasound tech was amused at how she was stuffed into the top half of my uterus. She seemed to have no intention of surrendering her post so we could get a better picture of her. The tech said "I think she is cuddling with you!"
A few weeks ago we had had an ultrasound and it seemed likely that the baby was a girl but we couldn't be sure. I spent the last couple of weeks letting go of that little bit of disappointment that we wer'nt going to have another boy - yet. It was nice yesterday to watch our daughter scratch her head and wiggle her toes and just be delighted in her. No sadness-just joy.
Lately, God has been teaching me how to not rely so much on my emotions as a guide. I am no quick learner in this department. In fact, as much as I welcome this "tutorial" I've been having a hard time not being more emotional than usual about more things. I tend to react quickly and be dramatic in deciding how and when to reconcile. The most challenging part of this lesson it seems is that my emotions and ability to share them openly is actually a gift I'm supposed to share. It would be easier maybe if I was supposed to just stifle them or get rid of them (OK maybe not...) but to develop the wisdom of putting my gift in its place will be a life long process. Thank God I have the husband I do and the friends I do to help me find this wisdom.
Friday, April 10, 2009
How did I get here?
I was really sick.
I never got sick, and I most definitely never had a good enough excuse to stay home from school.
Yet, here I was, confined to my bed for two and a half days while the bug that had mysteriously knocked out my defences ran its course through my body.
Something began to happen within me.
Beyond the fever and utter exhaustion, something was rocking my soul.
I had always been aware of the Spirit's presence in my life. I heard him often and followed His promptings - usually.
I had finished high school the year before and as my friends pursued their college degrees, I was upgrading courses at the high school I had graduated from. As I entered into my last semester, I started to realise I had an unbelievable lack of clarity as far as what I should do next. Everything that entered my mind included a slew of pros and cons - or rather, "I shoulds" or "I cant's". True to my nature, I focused on what would hold me back and allowed those roadblocks to become mountains. I was stuck.
And then I got sick.
At first I focused on how dreadful this was. I had so many projects to complete for school and I had to see my friends to keep from loosing touch with them and I had to watch out for my foster sister at school...how could I do that if I wasn't able to leave the house??
That's when I heard it.
"Let go Elizabeth."
"Hm", I thought "I know that voice".
"All of it, Elizabeth."
So I opened my journal. It was hard enough to focus on my mother speaking to me in my haze let alone the voice of God. I had to write this down!
I began to walk through all the things that were overcoming me. I wrote them down, covering page after page. Then, as I felt the freedom of getting the last thing down on paper, I heard Him again "Let it go."
So I did.
Within days of recovering from the "mysterious bug" I was filling out an application for National Evangelization Teams - which I had always thought was way beyond my reach. I was completing assignments with purpose, and I was no longer imprisoned by my list of pros and cons.
God used this window of time to put a fire under me to pursue what I truly desired. And he used the results of my pursuits to bring me to the exact place I am today.
In my mind its WAY more complicated than that. But the point is, that when I let go of my fear and belief that I had no choice but to stay where I was, and allowed God to move me to where He wanted me, MIRACLES happened.
I am spending today, Good Friday, remembering where God has brought me from. To remember that the same God that has showered this wealth of a life on me, is the same God that is dying "today" so that I can love my husband and kids with more grace and gentleness than is humanly possible. The same God that will guide me in pouring myself out to my friends instead of allowing me to despair when I cant seem to care for them well. The Lord who is healing me and providing for me and showering mercy on me is the same Lord that said "Father, not my will, but yours be done."
Jesus, thank you for your generous care for me - remember me when you come into your kingdom.
I never got sick, and I most definitely never had a good enough excuse to stay home from school.
Yet, here I was, confined to my bed for two and a half days while the bug that had mysteriously knocked out my defences ran its course through my body.
Something began to happen within me.
Beyond the fever and utter exhaustion, something was rocking my soul.
I had always been aware of the Spirit's presence in my life. I heard him often and followed His promptings - usually.
I had finished high school the year before and as my friends pursued their college degrees, I was upgrading courses at the high school I had graduated from. As I entered into my last semester, I started to realise I had an unbelievable lack of clarity as far as what I should do next. Everything that entered my mind included a slew of pros and cons - or rather, "I shoulds" or "I cant's". True to my nature, I focused on what would hold me back and allowed those roadblocks to become mountains. I was stuck.
And then I got sick.
At first I focused on how dreadful this was. I had so many projects to complete for school and I had to see my friends to keep from loosing touch with them and I had to watch out for my foster sister at school...how could I do that if I wasn't able to leave the house??
That's when I heard it.
"Let go Elizabeth."
"Hm", I thought "I know that voice".
"All of it, Elizabeth."
So I opened my journal. It was hard enough to focus on my mother speaking to me in my haze let alone the voice of God. I had to write this down!
I began to walk through all the things that were overcoming me. I wrote them down, covering page after page. Then, as I felt the freedom of getting the last thing down on paper, I heard Him again "Let it go."
So I did.
Within days of recovering from the "mysterious bug" I was filling out an application for National Evangelization Teams - which I had always thought was way beyond my reach. I was completing assignments with purpose, and I was no longer imprisoned by my list of pros and cons.
God used this window of time to put a fire under me to pursue what I truly desired. And he used the results of my pursuits to bring me to the exact place I am today.
In my mind its WAY more complicated than that. But the point is, that when I let go of my fear and belief that I had no choice but to stay where I was, and allowed God to move me to where He wanted me, MIRACLES happened.
I am spending today, Good Friday, remembering where God has brought me from. To remember that the same God that has showered this wealth of a life on me, is the same God that is dying "today" so that I can love my husband and kids with more grace and gentleness than is humanly possible. The same God that will guide me in pouring myself out to my friends instead of allowing me to despair when I cant seem to care for them well. The Lord who is healing me and providing for me and showering mercy on me is the same Lord that said "Father, not my will, but yours be done."
Jesus, thank you for your generous care for me - remember me when you come into your kingdom.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
For Today
FOR TODAY: April 8th, 2009... 
Here is our newest family portrait.
Outside my window….Blue Skies and busy people
I am thinking...that my fish tank looks like it’s in need of help
I am thankful for...the evidence of spring and my husband’s outstanding ability to shower me with love.
From the learning rooms...today we are learning to be grateful for our ability to walk and run
From the kitchen...All I want is Asian food. My kids are not big fans though so I will have to come up with something else for dinner. Also, I’ve been craving homemade apple pie – should I wait for Easter?
I am wearing...Tan maternity cords that I keep having to pull up. A long sleeve white tee under a black zip up hoody and bare feet
I am creating... a peaceful atmosphere for my kids who are entering into quiet time for the day.
I am going....to tidy up our bedroom while the kids nap and then have a little nap myself. This evening Im going to the chiropractor and then for a walk.
I am reading... The Liturgy of the Hours and Curious George this week
I am hoping...My husband is productive on the attic over the next few days. Its looking amazing up there!
I am hearing... My son explain to his sister why the boy in a Curious George book is calling for his dad
Around the house...Things had been looking good, but it seems I cant keep up this week. Dishes and laundry and little tripping hazards are aggravating me.
One of my favorite things…the kids are learning to buckle themselves into their carseats…so I don’t have to make myself a pretzel to get them locked in.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Dropping hours off at work. Bringing my son to his friend’s house. Going to Holy week and Easter services. Having an Easter egg hunt with the kids
Here is picture thought I am sharing…
Here is our newest family portrait.
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